Family Woes (warning ... LONG)

[Tearianna]

I have a bit of a dilema. I have a cousin, who has always been more of a brother. We grew up together … same town, same class in school. We’ve always done everything together … we moved to DC together, we bought houses at the same time, we were married the same year (I married DH on his wife’s bday, and he married his wife on my DH’s bday). We figured we’d have babies at the same time, and our kids would be just as close as we are.

But there was a glitch. I guess I never figured in the fact that I might HATE his wife :rolleyes: She is horrible … she truly married him for his money, and all she’s done since the wedding is lie, whine, manipulate and spend his accounts dry. She even managed to come between him and I somehow, and we went over a year with barely a word between us.

Well, last Friday, he finally broke the silence and we had lunch together. It was wonderful at first, and I almost cried to see him again after so long! But it took a turn I never expected. He thinks he wants a divorce (something our family just DOES NOT do). Well, I support it 100% and would stand behind him. BUT what I don’t support is that he is having an affair at the office. Instead of dealing with his home life, he’s decided to ignore it and has turned to a married woman at the office. She’s got a bad marriage, 2 kids, and is rumored to have slept around with most of the men in the office. I think dear cousin is looking for some easy :hump:

Now he calls me every day with updates on this new affair. He wants someone to confide in. But I don’t know what to do. I think this new woman is trouble, and by going to her, he’s leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I think he needs to deal with his wife and not make matters even messier with this new person. BUT … he finally started talking to me again after so long, and I don’t want to do anything to upset him and lose touch again.

How can I knock some sense into the boy without distancing him again?? I’m so frustrated!

Sorry so long … just needed to vent! :argh:

[rdy2rac with]

Be honest w/him. Tell him because you love him so much you want to help him. But in order to help him he needs to know the truth. Might not be a bad idea to tell him that by screwing around he could loose a lot more in the divorce (just an idea).

[veda]

Ugh... what a situation for you. IMO... seems that he'd be close with you whether or not you agree with what he's doing, yk? (since your only spacer was his wife who's getting out of the picture). Also seems that he wants your opinion or else he wouldn't have told you. AND since you've known each other so closely your entire lives, he's gotta know HOW you are & what you'd really think about all of this. But he does need to think about adultery charges, cuz they're expensive & probably much more "embarrassing" to the family name than a divorce. Does the family know how his wife has behaved? My cousin was married to a lady for less than a year & she sucked the account dry & just wasn't very kind... anyway they had the marriage annulled (sp?) & the whole family approved since it wasn't a DIVORCE. Maybe they (your cous) qualify for annullment?

p.s. our family is the same way about divorce. however, my mother was in a bad relationship for about ten yrs when we kids were growing up (with an alcoholic jerk) & then when we were almost all out of the house, they just had to get apart. the family really surprised me & came around after the initial shock. she actually remarried again too & all of the family came to her wedding happily!! maybe this isn't what would happen in your family at all, but families run pretty deep & can surprise you when you least expect it. i think i'd have to just be honest like katy explained. good luck, i hope he knows what a great friend he's got in you ;)

[lilac_shower]

Well I agree with what the other ladies have said so far. I'm sure he knows that what he's doing is wrong- And I'm sure that he knows that you don't support or approve of his behavior. I think that he might be looking to you to knock some sense into his head.

I think you should tell him exactly what you think. Tell him you love him and want nothing but the best for him- but you cannot support him in having an affair. :nono:

Maybe you could even offer some marital advice if they want to avoid divorce. I just read an Oprah book club book, Getting the Love You Want. It's an imago relationship therapy book and I think it's useful for all sorts of relationships and issues. HTH

[Deana]

What a yucky position to be in. I'm sorry - you sound torn.
If you choose to talk with him about it, I'd focus on the facts. Like some have mentioned, it may make a divorce worse if it's b/c of adultry. Also some companies wouldn't hesitate firing someone for inter-office romance.
I would have a really hard time listening to someone talk about their infidelity (even if it is a family member) because it's goes so far against my values. In fact I ended a friendship several months ago b/c my 'friend' was having an affair w/a married man. She wanted to chat and giggle with me about it, but I was disgusted - it's so far from what I think is acceptable. Sorry - tangent:blush:
I know how hard it is to talk w/someone about this, because they are happy (and caught in fantasy) because of the affair. Maybe you can tell him that this isn't normal and he's using this as an escape route? Maybe ask him if he think this would be ok if his marriage was fine and you were the one having an affair (just to set up a hypothetical situation to see where he's 'grounded' right now??)?He sounds extremely confused, and when people are that confused, moral compasses spin out of control and they tend to forget the line between right and wrong.

[HeavenLeigh]

Wow, what a sucky spot to be in. First off, be honest with him. If he wants a divorce then fine. Sounds like he'd be far better off w/ out that money grubbing wife of his. Then you need to touch on his affair.
Although I never had an affair..... at the end....well more like the last 5 years.....I finally could see how ppl could actually do something like that while being in a bad marriage. You take so much SH** that you just stop caring. BUT being married and involved w/ another person in a bad marriage will only create more problems. Of course, you don't want to jeapordize your newfound relationship w/ your cousin so say as little as possible but say little things that will have the most impact on him to start thinking clearly.
Let him know her children are the innocent ones in this mess and if he cares for her (or even wants some :moon: ) then he should at least wait *for the kids sake* to date/bang her after she sees fit to get a divorce.
I hope this all works out. Sounds like a real mess.

[laughter]

Everyone has given such great advice. I also think just give little hints about it may make a divorce worse if it's b/c of adultry and the other lady is still married to and they should both be thinking of ending their marriages. Maybe he has confided in you cause he knows you are the one who will help put him on the right path.

[girlzrule]

I like Laughter's response. He might think you are the one to knock some sense into him. Maybe he knows that what he is doing is wrong, he just doesn't know how to stop. If he is in such a horrible marriage, he may feel this is his only outlet...but now that you two are talking again, maybe you could direct him to a more positive outlet until he decides what he wants to do about his marriage.

I am sorry that you are being put in this awkward position but I really think you can help him. Good luck sweetie!

[Tearianna]

Thanks for all the great advice, guys. It is very hard for me to talk to Cous, because I was raised in a family that has the attitude of "keep your nose out of other family member's business, and keep your opinions to yourself" But I'll try my best :D We're having lunch again next Fri, so cross your fingers that I handle things well!! :crossed:

[andrea]

good luck girl

[monkeygirl38]

Jenn--my aunt put me in your position a few years ago....cheating on husband (who adored her...but was definatly NOT her type) with a married man at the office....both of whom had children! They each ended up getting a divorce and are happily married to each other now. I was only 17 at the time, so I didn't have a lot of advice to offer her...I simply listened. I really think she would have gone crazy if she hadn't been able to confide in me. SO saying that, you definatly need to be there for him to sound off to......

I agree with everyone else about how to tell him......bring up the divorce issues. She can clean him out (even underwear :eek: ) if she finds out he is cheating! I take it they don't have children? That is one good point.....I hate to see innocent children hurt by feuding parents.....

Be brave...if he loves you, he will listen.

[andrea]

so how did it go?

[Tearianna]

Thanks for asking, L :D

I haven't really had an opportunity to talk to him in private yet. We had a big cousin reunion last weekend, and the tension was so thick, you could have cut it with a knife. He and his wife were terribly nasty to each other ... making smart remarks, etc. Then he'd start talking to me about his work girlfriend, whenever his wife left the room. It was all very awkward, and most of the cousins picked up on it.

He wants to get together for lunch again next Fri, so I’m planning to have a talk with him then. Lets just hope my courage holds up!! :p

[veda]

wow! que huevos!! amazing that he'd talk about it to the whole family. sounds maybe like he's already decided? good luck with the lunch date.