Alcoholism

[angbuno]

I need somewhere to vent and sorry but this place seems to be it. My mom is a 7years going strong Alcoholic! The first 3 years her addiction became noticable to me, but nobody else. After I moved out with my now husband my father began to see what I had seen. He came to me for help but all my attempts to talk to my mom about her problem resulted in her throwing me out. I recently found out that over the summer she drank one litter of Rum and then put my then 1 year old nefew in the car to pick up my 14 year old brother and his friends. I confronted her about it while she was at her friends house and she had nothing to say. Her friend was then suggesting ways to help her with her problem, but when I told her all my failed attmepts and how long I have been battling this with her my mother got mad and hit me. My parents are headed for divorce and I'm not sure I want to stop them. My father deservs better and my mother does not want help! She doesn't think she has a problem. I can't go out and have a drink with out a little voice in my head saying do you want to end up like your mom. I am 23 years old, married to a wounderful husband and I'm afraid to drink anything Alcoholic or bring children into the world b/c the thought of treating them like my mother treated me is unbarable. Does anyone know if this is genetic or heritiary? Any suggestions???????? I'm fresh out! :confused:

[Neneuu]

The truth is that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, and that hurts. Sometimes it takes something MAJOR to occur (medically, accident, etc) for them to wake up and see. And it could also be too late by then too.

Have you tried talking with her about this when she is sober? If you can have a decent conversation -meaning, no one getting hit or thrown out - then you could offer to go to an AA meeting with her.

OR

You could write her a letter explaining your feeling/worries and make sure she reads it while she's sober.

But again, if she isn't ready to accept her problem, then she won't be very receptive to anything.

Also, I have heard that alcholism can be hereditary - so I'd just be very careful. People that grow up to be aware of their parent's issues can turn out to be the best parents b/c they are always aware of what they 'could' be.

Good luck!

[FarmGirl]

I feel for you angbuno. What a tough situation to be in.

On my dads side of the family, alcoholism runs very strongly through the men. My dad, his dad, and his dad before him were all alcoholics (we think some of their brothers were alcoholics also, but the family is all screwed up, so no one talks to anyone). Well, my dads dad (I refuse to call him Grandpa, thats a special name reserved for special people) was an extremely cruel man... very cruel. He and my grandma had 7 children, 5 boys and 2 girls. Sam (my dads dad) beat them, severely, every week... and every day he was hitting them. My dad (the 5th kid) took the brunt of it, and was Sam's favorite punching bag. All of the boys turned to drinking, since it was only natural... their dad was always drunk, why shouldn't they be? But even though all 5 of them turned to drinking, only 2 of them turned into alcoholics... and they were the two who were treated the absolute worst - my dad and the youngest boy. The youngest is now a 9 year recovered alcoholic, and my dad - well, we don't know what happened to him, but we all think he is still an alcoholic. (Last we heard was 7 years ago, and he was still an alcoholic).

With my sweet little history as my background, my mom is not a drinker, and no one on her side of the family are drinkers. They may have a drink on occasion... but its really once in a blue moon. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I turned to drinking... but the moment my mom looked at me and said "You're just like your dad" I stopped my fooling around. I still have a drink on occasion, and I never turned into an alcoholic.... because I had this fantastic family who loved me and who I never saw drink.

So, I think yes, alcoholism runs through the family... but only if you let it. I don't think it's in our blood or in our genes or anything like that... I think it happens because thats what we saw happen growing up. Alot of times when I see it happen, the people it is happening to don't realize what's going on, or even realize that its wrong. Maybe its a defense mechanism of the person, or maybe its part of the alcohol, it literally blocks the reality of whats happening.

As long as you know that you need to be careful, and know that you need to use your common sense, I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to have a cocktail with dinner, or have a couple of drinks while out with friends. Let your husband know your fears about it, and ask him to watch you and tell you if he thinks he see's a problem (not that I think you will need that, but it will give you an added feeling of security). You already know that what your mom is doing is harmful, and is wrong... thats all you need to know to keep from repeating her mistakes. In your post you already show great courage and backbone... thats all you need to be your own person, able to forge your own path.

I wish I could give you advice on how to help your mom... but I just don't know what to say. Maybe you should contact a local AA chapter, and go to one of their meetings... ask them about what to do. If anyone will know how to help your mom, they will... they've all already been there. They also have a lot of support groups for family members of alcoholics... they would be able to help you too... they've already been through it. I wish you the best of luck... hang in there and be strong! I'll be thinking about you.

[rdy2rac with]

I'm not going to be much help but my dad as a teenager watched his dad kill himself with alcohol (he died of sirosis of the liver). To this day my father rarely touches alcohol (he does sometimes keep non-alcoholic beer in the fridge but a 6 pack will last him a year). My dad has been the rock of our family. He pratically raised the original 5 girls on his own while my mom battle psycho issues & they have since adopted 12 more kids.

My point is not to let your fears stop you from living your life, just be responsible with it. Good luck with everything.

[HeavenLeigh]

Sorry you're going through this. Alcoholism can be hereditary, not the disease itself, but the same drive and cravings can be.

As some have pointed out, you can not help those that doesn't want or feel they need help. Keep making suggestions and be there for her when she does decide she needs help. I have heard of ppl seceretly taping ppl while they were drunk/high and then playing the tape for them when they were sober. It must have been a real eye opener. The 2 ppl I have known to do this had their loved ones admited to rehab after that.
Good luck. Do everything in your power to assure that your underage family members are safe in her care. If you have to, call the police on her every time she gets behind the wheel of a car. That may sound mean, but it could save her (and other ppl's) life one day.

[angbuno]

Thank you for all your suggestions. I'm the oldest of 3 and my sister and brother look up to me for answers and well I don't have them anymore. My dad, mom and brother live in MD now for almost a year. And everytime my mom comes to visit it's just an excuse for her to go somewhere to drink. It's great that I have you guys to vent and get advise from b/c my husband doesn't know what it's like. He thinks I exagerate the situation but he never has had to live with her and has never seen her out of control like I have. She was very hurtful and verbaly abusive to me when I was a teenager. Since I moved out three years ago she has been hurtful and verbaly abusive to my father. I feel so helpless that I can't help him or my brother. I know they deserve better. I will give you guys an update later. I think I will email her now and let her know how I feel. If I wait till she comes over again she will be drunk and if I wait and call her she will be loaded again tonight anyway. so I'll copy you guys on our convo. I'll be back and thanks.

[angbuno]

ok guys this is what I wrote her:
"Hi ya,
Well I need to say some things to get off my chest. I am sorry for being mean to you Saturday night but you need to understand I am frustrated and angry. For me this has been an on going battle for the last 7 years. You were verbally abusive to me when I was a teenager. When I needed a mother to talk to you were not there for me. When I got engaged you questioned marriage and had hatful things to say about being married. I know you are hurting but I can't help you anymore then I have tried. You stopped at the bar before you come over to see us on Friday! WHY!! I love you but if you can't see that you have hurt all of us (Dad, Andrew, Alisa, Riley, Jesse, Justin and me) then you need a real eye opener. The only way to save your family is to make the first step and that is to admit that you have a problem. Step two is getting help. It's not your fault you have a disease and you are very sick. Until you do those two things I can not and will not see or talk to you. I love you and as much as this hurts I don't know what else to do.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org

I love you mom

Andrea"

[angbuno]

This was her relpy:
"Thank you, I love you too! I am and are going to get help. I will not loose my family because of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I hope she is serious. Keep your fingers crossed:clap:

[Neneuu]

That is a great response, Andrea! :crossed:

[angbuno]

I thought so. I think after this weekend she had a real eye opener. She was going to loose us all. I hope she is serious.

[angbuno]

Thank you for everyones help.

[ParagonEos]

Andrea , I am soo Sorry about the troubles you are having with your Mother and Farmgirl and the others gave you a Ton of useful info, I have also been dealing with Alcoholism in My family but the closest one is My sister , the one just over Me is a "severe" alcoholic and extrememly abusive to anyone who fronts her on it, We have all asked her to get Help and it's just been within the last year that she has heard us even speak without flipping out ! She has been an Avid drinker since 15 years of age (and now she is pushing 40) This girl wakes up to a beer and goes to sleep with a beer , It's amazing ! But, We were all abused sexually, physically and emotionally growing up , each and everyone of Us kids has had Our battles with something and still battle everyday.

I can't help but wonder if there is more problems than you know with your Mothers emotional health , as for you Andrea , and this is a MUST !.. Get a hold of your local Al-Anon Chapter and as scary as it may be (and it was for me) Go to their meetings , this will help you more than you can Imagine, it also will help to release you from the guilt that you may not even realize that you are carrying and teaches you alot about how the alcoholism works, My sister blames everyone and their momma for her problems , but in reality we are grown and how We deal with Problems is Our responsibility... I also have a very close male cousin who seriously has a pity trip because his mother left him at birth to be raised by my grandma and has been an alcoholic as far back as I can remember ..his dad IS a drunk also and has rejected him over and over... I have to think that somehow alcoholics have learned to drink their pain away rather than deal with their feelings , some (Many) people just don't know how.... the same goes for drug-addicts .. Now after saying all of this about alcoholics and drug addicts , their are also tons of people who are abusive for no reason , which are all of my abusers.
They didn't have these drug and alcohol problems so I hope you find it (in a sense) that it's a blessing that it's the alcohol that is your mothers problem and Hopefully can and may be corrected soon.

But expect your Mother to Fail as bad as that sounds , because Most people Who take the first step do not succeed, but if she finally admits she has a problem than the success rate grows , remember , it took her 7 years to get this bad , it may take 7 years to finally be over it and she may have a Ton of emotional problems underlying the alcoholism so a good Counseler/Psyciatrist is going to be very useful.

Don't quit Your mom just yet as bad as it is... you may be her only hope and Al Anon can Keep you in Love with Her and show you that her problems are or may be alot deeper that You knew.