Meddlesome friends: Calm blue oceans

[meliz]

Okay... I hafta to vent this... and get some affirmation from other people that I am not losing my mind.

My sis is getting married in April. I am MOH. She lives in a town about 4 hours away. Beginning at xmas, me and my other sis who lives there, and the other BM began planning a shower... for her home town. We were going to invite groom's friends and family, as well as a couple of friends of my sis. I called his mom and dad, and got a "great sounds lovely" from them and all kinds of interest in the newlywed "Jeopardy" game I am planning. So then I booked time from work (not easy for me). And we planned games, got prizes, and invited a contingent of family from THIS province who planned to tavel there with us. All of this, BTW, was going to be a big old surprise for my sis.:) It was all coming together-- a nice mix of families and friends.

So then it all falls to h-e-double hockey sticks. A week ago, I get an email from a "friend" of the grooms... saying that "Groom's Mom really wants to host a shower" and asking if I could "not invite anyone from his side" to our shower. So I first got very upset... felt horribly hurt... but then I sucked it up for the sake of my sis. And I think I did the right thing when I suggested that Groom's mom go ahead... that's when I offered that I wouldn't invite "his side" to a shower. But because "his side" was the majority of our guest list (and the real reason we planned the party for their hometown), we've changed the locale of our shower, to my mom's home town. At least this is much more convenient for the family who had planned to travel 5-6 hours to the original shower.

Q: Is this all not horribly tacky on their part? I mean I can overlook the tackiness of throwing a shower for your own son... but to interrupt the MOH's shower which has been in the works for months and which you already agreed to attend, to do so??? SO FRIKKIN RUDE. To be fair to his mom, I think the real culprit is this cow-of-a-friend. His mom wasn't aware (I don't think) of the extent of my guest list... but his friend who is speaking to me "on behalf" of his mom, was quite aware. She gave me the damned addresses of his family and friends afterall. And incidently, this friend's hub is in the wedding and has insisted that my sis and her DH pay for his friggin kilt rental which is about $200. CAN YOU IMAGINE??

So anyway, sis knows none of this and I plan to keep it that way--she would just be upset by it all and there's no point to that.

But now the icing on the wedding cake-- apparently it is one of my duties to toast the groomsmen. HA! I am so going to quip about the skirt my sister is paying for and tell the dink not to spill his beer on it. Okay, so I will chicken out... but its a fun thought.:)

[tifferoo]

One thing has me kind of confused. Why is this "friend" of the family speaking for the groom's mom? Seems like to me that you should speak to her to verify that these are her plans. I would hate for you to not include them in your shower and she never had any intensions of hosting a shower.

If these ARE her plans, I don't see anything wrong with letting her host a shower. But if she agreed to come to yours, maybe she will attend that one too. She might not really be rude. :huh: This is a wonderful time for friends and family to share with the bride and groom and if it were me, I wouldn't mind having two parties to go to!

I won't even make a comment about the kilt guy besides the fact that I wished that I could be a fly on the wall when you make your toast. ;)

[Mel-icious]

HA, don't chicken out that would be hilarious!!!

Incredibly rude and tacky! I can't believe the friend, knowing how hard you worked, would make such a request! The idea of marriage is to bring families together, which is what you were doing, going out of your way to do it, and she says "please don't invite our side" How rude! Is there anyway to speak directly to the parents and make sure this is what they really want? Maybe express to them how you were really trying to make an effort to include everyone?

Meliz, I think it was awesome of you to plan the shower around his family, to bad they didn't appreciate it. :no:

[yonksgirl]

Originally posted by Mel-icious
HA, don't chicken out that would be hilarious!!!

Incredibly rude and tacky! I can't believe the friend, knowing how hard you worked, would make such a request! The idea of marriage is to bring families together, which is what you were doing, going out of your way to do it, and she says "please don't invite our side" How rude! Is there anyway to speak directly to the parents and make sure this is what they really want? Maybe express to them how you were really trying to make an effort to include everyone?

Meliz, I think it was awesome of you to plan the shower around his family, to bad they didn't appreciate it. :no:

:nod: The only thing that I would really be worry about is if this is a surprise, and when she goes to the first one she is going to wounder where everyone is at.

[meliz]

Thanks girls. I knew I could bitch here and feel better about it all. And I do.:) You rock.

One thing has me kind of confused. Why is this "friend" of the family speaking for the groom's mom?
Well she claims that the Groom's mom wanted *her* to ask me about univiting the guests (and I didn't want to rock the boat so I allowed her to be the go-between.) But the more I think of it, the stranger it all sounds to me. His Mom SEEMS very nice the few times we have met... so I don't know what to think-- I can't see her being this blatantly rude. Truly I CAN see the mom wanting to host a party-- she had an engagement party (strangely none of us were invited??) and she is hosting the rehearsal dinner. She is a socialite and loves these things. And he is her big bald baby afterall. But I cannot really see her asking me to univite people to the other shower. So I think it's a combo of things at work here: cowasaurus friend + party-crazed momma. At any rate, I explained to his mom that the original plans were off and that the new location was chosen as the result of a number of things... logistics for me and wanting to have a shower that more of Sis's fam could attend etc etc. I didn't say anything at all about the change in plans being connected to the shower she is planning... I figured no good would come of that. If she was being bitchy, she might have a clue and feel badly already... but if she was unaware of what was happening, she'll think nothing of it. And so I guess this is the best possible result given the circumstances.

Anyway, it is actually working out great. We're having a shower here which looks like it will coincide with the baptism of my new nephew, so the timing is A1. And my aunt who is the proxy host, emailed me today and has invited the kiddies and they have accepted. So it's not a surprise now and sis knows nothing of former plans. So its all good.

My biggest regret is a selfish one. I wanted to plan this dammit! She's my twin and how often do ya get to do this? Then again I know immediate fam is not technically supposed to host, so I was a little wary about even this to begin with. And I think that it is unfortunate that neither shower is really a melding of the two families. That was part of my goal too, but it seems this won't happen now which is too bad.

Meliz, I think it was awesome of you to plan the shower around his family, to bad they didn't appreciate it. Thanks Mel. You're sweet. Well I know... this really did hurt my feelings... I was so careful to involve everyone... at least I know sis would have appreciated it. And heck, now she gets two showers... double the linens and casserole dishes.:)

[Csara]

lol, Meliz you always make me laugh. Anyway....I agree with what M said earlier about this being a time to celebrate TOGETHER with both families and not a time to divide, but it seems that your plans are coming along wonderfully so maybe it's better to just forget it and enjoy the party. It was definitely rude and tacky of cowasaurus to do what she did, but as long as your sister is happy, that's the important thing. I'm sure she will love having two parties and probably won't even think much about why all your family is at one and her groom's is at another. Or maybe she will, but hopefully she'll just think it was due to convenience of locale for everyone. Either way, you did a great thing and I know your twinnie will appreciate it. :)

[Tigerlily]

I know I'm late on this, but the groom to be's mother asking you to "uninvite" the grooms' family and friends is not only rude but unnecessary. Invite them anyway, it'll show that you're a bigger person than she is. Who said that people can't be invited to multiple showers? It's all about families getting to know each other anyway! I'd say invite them anyway, even though they wouldn't be able to go because of the distance. And the guy insisting on the bride and groom paying for his kilt should back out of being in the wedding party if he's not going to act like an adult. :rolleyes:

[CATsAngel]

meliz.. as for immediate family not hosting a shower...BAH! every shower i have been to (wedding or baby) has been hosted by immediate family. Don't worry about it hun :)
oh just on a side note.. grrr it erks me when a member of the bridal party wants bride and groom to pay for their attire. When i was getting married my x bm told me she was always told the bride and groom pay for the WHOLE WEDDING PARTY'S ATTIRE! :eek: some ppl just don't know..hahhaha