the grief of a missing father?

[newgroom]

Hello Everyone,

I am the groom, just so you all know.

I proposed to my fiance a month ago and things have been difficult ever since. Not just the typical wedding difficulties, but she has grown incredibly sad and depressed - her father died about 9 years ago (when she was 21) and now she thinks constantly about him and how he won't be at the wedding.

The wedding is shrouded in sadness for her, and this time is difficult. I love her and want her to heal, but since I don't share that problem, I can never relate - just sympathize. Sometimes, that's not enough.

Does anyone here have any similar stories to share? Anyone she CAN relate to?

Thanks all for your support...

[monkeygirl38]

I am so sorry to hear that what is supposed to be one of the best days of her life isn't starting out that way....I can not relate, however, a friend of mine's (I was actually in the wedding) sister died about a year before his wedding and as a way of "remembering" her, they had a beautiful candle on one side of the pulpit on a small table with her picture on it. At the beginning of the ceremony, the bride and groom went over and lit the candle together. Then, after the wedding, they went by the cemetary and place some of the wedding flowers on her grave. It was still a hard day, but that was their way of including her in the wedding.

Again, I am so sorry to hear about your fiance...I hope she can find peace and enjoy her day.

[luv to dance]

I can't relate but I wanted to commend you on trying your best to help her. My father was absent from my wedding too - but the situation is totally different. I think Dana's idea of "remembering" him in some way will help. Maybe if you suggest it, it'll start the healing process. The candle is a great idea. You can add "In Loving Memory" to the program somewhere. Maybe her mom has something of her dad's that she can wear or carry with her down the aisle? I know some people release doves as a sign of love and peace but I went to one wedding where they released them in honor of relatives that had passed away. I hope she's able to find the strength to face the fact that he won't be there. It's a really important day for her and I hope she'll be able to enjoy it. I think with your help, she'll find her way.

Keep us posted on how things go!

[yonksgirl]

I can relate. My father died when I was 16 of cancer. So of couse when my wedding came It was very diffacult for me. I even cried at a friends wedding when it came time for her to dance with her father. My way of dealing with it was I had my brother walk me, and I dedacated the flowers on the alter to him. The next day before we left for the honeymoon I place all the flowers on his grave.

My mother pervented me from really knowing him. SO to this day I am grieving (I am 23 now). It gets even harder when you have children. You are doing a great job. I commend you on tring to help. Remember sometimes she may not want to talk about it, and all you can do is hold her when she cries, but believe me that is the greatest thing you can do for her.

I wish you and her great strength to get through this. In a strong relationship together you can over come anything.

[rdy2rac with]

Not quite tha same but my grandafather passed away a WEEK before my sister's wedding. The following Wednesday was his funeral then her wedding on Saturday. I know we had some kind of rememberance but can't remember exactly what (I was still a little screwey from having my daughter 2 months before). Maybe my sister will chime in here later as she's on the board as well (Min, you out there?).

[meliz]

I sure do know where she's coming from. We were engaged in December 2000 for our June 2001 wedding... Dad was super excited: he was going to perform the ceremony. Sadly, dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack on Feb 13, 2001, 5 months before our day. After much deliberation, we went ahead with it... and you know our day WAS happy. VERY happy. Sure we missed him like heck, and we didn't just "ignore" his absence. We had a reading from his memoires where he mused about love. And we made a donation to the Diabetes foundation in lieu of favours, in his honour. And our minister who was a good friend of his, said some kind, inspiring words about how he was missed. In lots of ways it was sad... but we made the best of it. Mom walked me down the aisle... speeches referred to him... his best friend gave the blessing at dinner... and he was never far from our minds. BUT he would have wanted us to celebrate for sure. And we did celebrate for sure.

Is there a way you could work her Dad's memory into the service in an uplifting sort of way? Does it help her to think of him "looking down" on the events and appreciating them?

Besides, what better way to remember than at a fun event? I know our wedding was the first family doo since his funeral. It was so nice to see people in happier circumstances.

My sis is being married at Easter and she is feeling this very accutely now. She has decided to marry in the Chapel of the Theology school where he trained for the ministry, and she is using carnations in some of her flowers-- they were his faves (he was cheap:))... and she is using the same reading from his memoires.

Tell yer F it's okay to be sad... and its also okay to remember him (publicly or privately) at the event. Most of all, remember that he would WANT you to have a great day...

[andrea]

i was in the same boat and i know how she feels! i didn't have my mother and father with us, but his parents were there and they helped out a lot. the night before was the hardest.. the day of the wedding so much stuff was going on that i just thought about how i wish they were here with us. but his parents were great through out the whole... i could tell you more but i'm not sure what your looking for

[tifferoo]

My dad died when I was 5. I think about him all the time and when I became engaged, it was very emotional for me to decide who would walk me down the aisle. Both of my grandfather's are also deceased. I plan to honor my dad and grandparents in my programs. I plan to celebrate with my relatives who are living and have a happy day. Walking down the aisle with my uncle will probably be emotional for me because I will be thinking about how I wished that my dad or grandfathers were walking me but I know that the memories of them will be there with me in my heart. Sometimes things can't go as we planned them but there are always other ways that we can compensate for those unplanned events.

I pray that your fiance realizes that her wedding should focus on her new life with you and all the happy times she will have with you.

[emben]

My dad died a year before my wedding. He had said he would be there if he could (he was sick for some time) and I think he was there in spirit. It was rough, to be sure. The best thing I could suggest is to find some way to honor him during the ceremony. Really, it's okay for her to be sad; her dad isn't going to be there physically for her big day. I cry everytime I see a father/daughter dance still. At the end of our reception, I sobbed for a few minutes, just thinking about my dad. My husband's dad also is deceased, so it was pretty rough. There always will be sadness that our kids won't know our dads. I don't really have any advice, other than to incorporate her dad into the ceremony somehow and to just be there for her and listen to her.

I'll keep you both in my thoughts.