Margarita
02-11-2004, 05:57 PM
:argh: That pretty much says it, but...
So they actually called our house for their son's birthday! Shock and amazement! I sat there eavesdropping on his side of the conversation, shaking my head most of the time. I even wondered for a second if it was them because I heard B say "28. Yeah, getting close to 30." and couldn't believe one of his PARENTS had to ask how old he was. But yes, it was his ever-quick-on-the-uptake dad. :rolleyes: I'm sorry, but that's really pathetic.
While he was talking to his mom, he was mentioning things about the nursery - everything EXCEPT anything that had to do with me or my parents. :mad: That pissed me off. I mean, my parents did most of the painting, my mom made ALL the bedding, I made the wall hangings... Yet he managed to mention every other detail except those. :argh: Then she was asking about names. He said we still have a pretty hefty list (lie) and that we're looking for something unusual not in either of our families or social circles (true). He didn't, however, tell her that we're not telling anyone what we've picked until the baby is born. He probably didn't think of it, but even if he did, Heaven forbid he should mention it and chance upsetting mommy. :rolleyes:
At the end of the phone call, I could hear him setting up some sort of get together. Of course, after he hung up, we had our typical lengthy discussion/fight about how he never stands up for me and is always protecting them.
We've talked and talked about this, and yet nothing ever changes. I keep telling him how it's not okay for his parents to think they can have a relationship with just him now that he's married (and has been for THREE YEARS), especially now that we're having a baby. He keeps saying he agrees, but he does nothing to let them know it. The get together they suggested was that they meet him after school some day and go get coffee or something. They had two excuses - a box of his stuff they found while cleaning out the house for their move (unfortunately not far enough away) and that they want to see his school. Give me a break! What they want is NOT to see me. :mad: And what did he say? Sure, okay, maybe Monday or Tuesday, let me check my schedule. Not, let me check with MY WIFE. Not, well, weekends are better for US. Not a word. In fact, not one single time in the entire 30-40 minutes did he mention my name.
He admitted to me last night that he thought about my mom making the crib bedding and purposefully didn't say anything because he wanted to avoid confrontation. WHAT confrontation? Sure, it would piss off his mom, but I doubt she would say anything to him. She would hang up the phone and gripe to her husband...and whoever else would listen. Didn't it occur to him that not saying anything hurts me and pisses me off? Yet that seems to be okay with him. I know he hates that we argue about them, but he never does anything to avoid it. He'd rather keep the peace with mommy and daddy and make me upset than the other way around. Excuse me, but I'M the one he's living with and dealing with on a daily basis. Wouldn't it be much better to keep ME happy? Forget the fact that he married me and is supposed to put me first now. Cut the strings for God's sake!!!!!
(breathe, breathe) He told me he's not sure he's strong enough to do that. Do what, you say (because I'm venting and probably not being very coherent)? Simply mention my name in phone conversations with his parents like he would to anyone else. Tell them things we do with my parents if it comes up (like the nursery stuff). Who cares if they get hurt or angry? They made their bed. They chose to act this way, and they should be the ones dealing with it. Not him. Not me. We didn't choose this.
Now that I've had a chance to think about things and talk to my mom (she's like my therapist), I think I may have found a solution to this cycle. We have to think of something because neither of us can keep doing this forever. I've been holding on to this idea that his parents HAVE to accept us as a couple. As a result, B is not supposed to see them without me or let them even think they can arrange that because he's supposed to automatically shoot them down whenever they do. Well, obviously that's not happening, and I'm not sure it ever will. The biggest reason I've felt this way is that I don't want them to win. Yeah, that's petty and childish, but I guess I want them to suffer. Vicious, aren't I? LOL Anyway, if he can't do this and since I really don't give a rat's nose about seeing them, it's looking like I need to let go of that. We need a compromise.
What I came up with even before I talked to my mom - the very thing she suggested with an added "sacrifice" on B's part - is that maybe it's time to give up holding on to that desire to punish them. It punishes me, too, because being around them is soooo uncomfortable, so why bother? I let them have whatever relationship they want with B and ignore me all they want, with the understanding that NEVER will they see MY CHILD without me present. I flat out told B last night that I don't trust him when he's around his parents. I have said all along if they want to see their grandchild, they have to see me at the same time. I won't even leave the room when my baby is there.
On his part, B has to break the protection thing and talk to his parents like he would anyone else, which means mentioning my name, things about my family, etc. It also wouldn't hurt for him to refrain from expanding on the details of our life. It's not like they honestly care about us, so why tell them more than they ask?
So, anyone think this will work? I sure hope so because if not, we both may end up surrounded by padded walls, and then where would that leave this darling baby??
So they actually called our house for their son's birthday! Shock and amazement! I sat there eavesdropping on his side of the conversation, shaking my head most of the time. I even wondered for a second if it was them because I heard B say "28. Yeah, getting close to 30." and couldn't believe one of his PARENTS had to ask how old he was. But yes, it was his ever-quick-on-the-uptake dad. :rolleyes: I'm sorry, but that's really pathetic.
While he was talking to his mom, he was mentioning things about the nursery - everything EXCEPT anything that had to do with me or my parents. :mad: That pissed me off. I mean, my parents did most of the painting, my mom made ALL the bedding, I made the wall hangings... Yet he managed to mention every other detail except those. :argh: Then she was asking about names. He said we still have a pretty hefty list (lie) and that we're looking for something unusual not in either of our families or social circles (true). He didn't, however, tell her that we're not telling anyone what we've picked until the baby is born. He probably didn't think of it, but even if he did, Heaven forbid he should mention it and chance upsetting mommy. :rolleyes:
At the end of the phone call, I could hear him setting up some sort of get together. Of course, after he hung up, we had our typical lengthy discussion/fight about how he never stands up for me and is always protecting them.
We've talked and talked about this, and yet nothing ever changes. I keep telling him how it's not okay for his parents to think they can have a relationship with just him now that he's married (and has been for THREE YEARS), especially now that we're having a baby. He keeps saying he agrees, but he does nothing to let them know it. The get together they suggested was that they meet him after school some day and go get coffee or something. They had two excuses - a box of his stuff they found while cleaning out the house for their move (unfortunately not far enough away) and that they want to see his school. Give me a break! What they want is NOT to see me. :mad: And what did he say? Sure, okay, maybe Monday or Tuesday, let me check my schedule. Not, let me check with MY WIFE. Not, well, weekends are better for US. Not a word. In fact, not one single time in the entire 30-40 minutes did he mention my name.
He admitted to me last night that he thought about my mom making the crib bedding and purposefully didn't say anything because he wanted to avoid confrontation. WHAT confrontation? Sure, it would piss off his mom, but I doubt she would say anything to him. She would hang up the phone and gripe to her husband...and whoever else would listen. Didn't it occur to him that not saying anything hurts me and pisses me off? Yet that seems to be okay with him. I know he hates that we argue about them, but he never does anything to avoid it. He'd rather keep the peace with mommy and daddy and make me upset than the other way around. Excuse me, but I'M the one he's living with and dealing with on a daily basis. Wouldn't it be much better to keep ME happy? Forget the fact that he married me and is supposed to put me first now. Cut the strings for God's sake!!!!!
(breathe, breathe) He told me he's not sure he's strong enough to do that. Do what, you say (because I'm venting and probably not being very coherent)? Simply mention my name in phone conversations with his parents like he would to anyone else. Tell them things we do with my parents if it comes up (like the nursery stuff). Who cares if they get hurt or angry? They made their bed. They chose to act this way, and they should be the ones dealing with it. Not him. Not me. We didn't choose this.
Now that I've had a chance to think about things and talk to my mom (she's like my therapist), I think I may have found a solution to this cycle. We have to think of something because neither of us can keep doing this forever. I've been holding on to this idea that his parents HAVE to accept us as a couple. As a result, B is not supposed to see them without me or let them even think they can arrange that because he's supposed to automatically shoot them down whenever they do. Well, obviously that's not happening, and I'm not sure it ever will. The biggest reason I've felt this way is that I don't want them to win. Yeah, that's petty and childish, but I guess I want them to suffer. Vicious, aren't I? LOL Anyway, if he can't do this and since I really don't give a rat's nose about seeing them, it's looking like I need to let go of that. We need a compromise.
What I came up with even before I talked to my mom - the very thing she suggested with an added "sacrifice" on B's part - is that maybe it's time to give up holding on to that desire to punish them. It punishes me, too, because being around them is soooo uncomfortable, so why bother? I let them have whatever relationship they want with B and ignore me all they want, with the understanding that NEVER will they see MY CHILD without me present. I flat out told B last night that I don't trust him when he's around his parents. I have said all along if they want to see their grandchild, they have to see me at the same time. I won't even leave the room when my baby is there.
On his part, B has to break the protection thing and talk to his parents like he would anyone else, which means mentioning my name, things about my family, etc. It also wouldn't hurt for him to refrain from expanding on the details of our life. It's not like they honestly care about us, so why tell them more than they ask?
So, anyone think this will work? I sure hope so because if not, we both may end up surrounded by padded walls, and then where would that leave this darling baby??