to wed or not to wed

[annieo32]

Hi Everyone,

I am engaged to my high school sweetheart. We are 23-yr-old recent college grads with an on-again, off-again history. We have been together now without recess for two years and we've been living together for a year. I have been very content and the wedding is tentatively scheduled for next summer.

I have just found out that my deep feelings for another guy were actually reciprocated all through college . . . but timing, mutual reservedness, etc. never led us to discover this and act upon it. If this other guy were a new acquaintance or an ex-boyfriend, I would be able to handle the situation easily by simply ignoring it and sticking to my engagement. However, in this situation, I am stuck asking the questions, "What if this had happened earlier?" "What if I had had a choice from the beginning?" etc.

Regardless of any past or future possible relations with this other guy, I've now tailspun into broader doubts about my engagement. I love my fiance . . . but I'm bothered by the lack of passion. We have known each other for quite some time, and I know that the excitement wanes in any relationship. But I fear that I've been going along with this because it's the easy, comfortable thing to do . . . not to mention that when we started dating again two years ago, my parents basically wanted me to commit right then and there to forever so that no one would be put through another break-up. I remember my dad expressing his opinion that though love exists, there isn't 'the one' and that marriage is just a decision two people make when the time/money/life situations are right. I agree with my dad to some extent, but I'm wondering now whether the decision I made wasn't overly rational and too little concerned with love.

Furthermore, it's impossible for me to talk to my fiance about my doubts because I've almost come to believe that he isn't at all introspective and he never seems to have problems with anything. So, it makes me feel like a bit of an unstable loon to even be having these thoughts. It's also impossible for me to talk to my parents. Not being able to discuss this with anyone but outsiders has made me irritable. Ever since I've begun having these doubts, I've had very little desire to have anything to do with fiance. I tried to imagine romance and sex with him the other day and was honestly somewhat revolted. It just seemed unnatural. (Of course, these are the weaker areas of our relationship to begin with.) I feel like if I were so inclined, I could just resolve to make things work, and we would have a fairly happy, friendly type of marriage . . . but is that what it's all about ? On the other hand, judging by my mindset now, is it more likely that we would just end up resenting ourselves and each other ? How much doubt is normal at this point? Does my situation merit a complete reexamination of the relationship, my ideas of marriage, etc. ? What is the best way to approach this with my parents ?

Thanks so much for any advice!

[Margarita]

This is a decision that only you can make. Some doubts are normal. A lot of people have them. You have to decide how much is acceptable.

Something that stuck out at me was your saying that you can't talk to your fiance about this. That made it sound like you can't talk to him about a lot of important things whether it's because you don't think he'll listen or you don't get helpful responses. Lack of communication can become a big problem in any relationship, especially a marriage.

I think you need to consider your history and what caused all those breakups. Is it something you have overcome? Once you're married, getting out becomes a lot more complicated. You need to figure out whether both of you are really in this for the long haul.

Best of luck!

[Sexy Strawberry]

Hi Annie! Welcome to the forum!

Well, I don't know you and I don't know your relationship so I can't really judge but from what I read I would say you are not sure at all about if you want to marry him or not. I wouldn't get married unless I was really sure.

I suppose you two live together, don't you? Well, if you live together there is no need to rush and if you don't live together, why not try? You both are very young and you don't need to commit so soon. What your parents say about not putting up with another break-up, I'm sorry but I don't agree at all. It's easier to have a break-up when you're not married, that's right... and why? Not because marriage makes you love more your husband but because once you're married it's hard and expensive to divorce. Let's say... marriage is not a solution, it is just another step in a relationship and you shouldn't take it unless it's the right moment. I do agree that we don't have a soul mate, but there are many people who could make us happy; there is not one person that will make you smile everyday, there is not one person with whom you will always be perfectly in love... problems exist now and then, but that makes part of life.

As for the other guy you like, I guess that maybe you're thinking of him lately just because you have a lot of doubts about marrying your fiance. That doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to marry your fiance and that you're secretly in love with the other guy.

So my conclusion is... don't rush, take your time, wait, do not get married right now. Maybe a romantic vacation or trying to go out with your boyfriend to new places could make your relationship a bit more fun, try giving him a surprise... why not prepare a suitcase with all the things he needs and take him somewhere for a weekend without he knows where he's going? For me it sounds like you are in love with him but that none of you are very romantic and that can make your relationship a bit monotonous and boring.

[MandiDawn]

It seems like you love this man very much, or else why would you have gotten back together with him, moved in with him? I think you are not being true about how things with this other guy would be. It might be great, it might not. The grass is always greener . . .
I think you should do what you want, not what your parents want. Where I live you need to take a few couslening classes before you get married, I think that would help you both to decide if this is right for you. It might be just nerves, but better to find out now than two or even 10 years down the road.
Good luck

[ratherbetravlin]

First, I believe it's very normal to be having second thoughts. Marriage is a big step, and not one to be taken lightly. All of us get moments of doubt. However, based on what you've written here and my own experience, my advice would be to delay the wedding until you feel more confident about the union. You're both 23 and you've lots of life to experience yet. Not saying you don't know your own mind or heart, but life has odd ways of throwing curve balls at us as we go along which can re-shape relationships. If you are having doubts and feel like you are missing something, those doubts are not going to go away once the ring is on your finger - they will possibly even intensify as life happens.

Secondly, this whole thing has nothing to do with your parents - it's your life. They will not be around when you celebrate your 40th or 50th with this man, and they will not live with him on a day-to-day basis as you will. While I'm sure their advice is well intentioned, you must do what's best for you. Sometimes, it means going against what everyone else believes you should do.

I also agree with a previous poster who mentioned you and your fiancee have communication issues. In some respects, communication is far more important than love in a relationship. If that's an issue, you gotta fix it or re-examine the relationship.

Ultimately, it is up to you. I'd encourage you to think about you and your needs before making a decision. While no one person can fulfill all your needs all the time, the person you marry should be able to fill the bill far more than coming up short. Also, there's no rule that states you have to be married by a certain age. Again, you've got time, even if kiddos are in the plan for you.

I do believe in soul mates - just took me two tries to find him. I do believe in happy ever after, as I'm currently living it. For me, it all came from doing what was right for me and not what my friends and family thought I should do.

I wish you lots of luck with your journey, and I hope that your decision, whatever it may be, leads you to happiness.